I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
