I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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