yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
