insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
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