that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
