oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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