Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
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