I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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