between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
