problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
