Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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