Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
