i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
