When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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