If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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