My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Randomize
