There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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