Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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