your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
