I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
