My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
