what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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