The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
