I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Boobs speak an international language.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I woke up under a house in Key West
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