got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
