I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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