You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
