When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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