I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
