i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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