I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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