Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
