Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
