i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
