I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
