Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
