I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
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We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
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We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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