why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
