my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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