He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
