a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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