I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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