I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
