You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
