The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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