Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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