wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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