Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
