Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
