apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
