You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
