if you like me you must not know who I am
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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