im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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