I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
