My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
