Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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