Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
