I think my fart just growled at me.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
