1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
love makes seman taste better
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
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i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
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I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
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